AUSTIN, TX – While Assassin’s Creed has always been a successful franchise, there did seem to be a bit of fatigue growing in recent years with the series featuring more action gameplay than stealth, and with each entry being mostly detached from the others as opposed to the original Altair/Ezio run. Ubisoft hoped to remedy this by changing absolutely nothing and continuing to make “Assassin’s Creed in (New Location and Time Period)” games, which we here at VEAG love and think was a great choice. In 2022, loyal Ubisofters were excited to learn that their favorite game about touching people in public was going to finally travel to the place where they wanted to touch people the most: Japan.
Originally called Codename Red, there was basically no news about this game for two years until it was officially announced as Assassin’s Creed: Shadows back in May, and then nobody would shut the fuck up about it. Internet communists rejoiced because the one black dude from glorious Nihongo history was cherry picked for the lead role alongside a completely fictitious vagina-haver, and of course the Trump-voting bible belt baby bitches cried and cried because Yasuke was gay and known for hating Buc-ee’s.
It was hard not to feel bad for the mega-corporation. They were just trying their best to make us smile. Ubisoft loves us and there were so many people who were putting their heart and soul into this game. Video Entertainment Analysis Group spoke to Alissa Ralph, who was deservingly tasked with a lead writing role after her only other credit was being a part of Assassin’s Creed Odyssey.
“I love gamers, and I love gaming, and backlash is bad and capitalism is bad. I literally was just trying to exist as a white Canadian woman and make a beautiful game about stabbing and beheading Japanese citizens as a black man while hip-hop music plays in the background. There is nothing weird or ominous about this and I deserve to be in a leadership position.”
Wow, thanks for that, Alissa. Great work! VEAG also asked her about the female protagonist, Naoe, but we were told to kill ourselves.
So, all of this just begs the question: how does one respond to backlash? How a man or corporation responds to pressure can say a lot about their character. Speaking of characters, it looks like Ubisoft has erred on the side of money and will be replacing their beloved historical figure Yasuke with a white male power fantasy self-insert from a 2003 film. Ubisoft CEO Yves Guillemot met us at the barbeque brisket section of a local Buc-ee’s with this exclusive scoop.
“Look, I’m the CEO of Ubisoft, and my name is Yves Guillemot,” Yves Guillemot said as he took a comically large bite of his brisket sandwich, spilling sauce and meat all over his bare chest (he was not wearing a shirt during this interview), “…We’re in the business of making money. We heard the gamers, we listened to the historians, and we made a decision. Also, and this is completely unrelated, but BlackRock told us we’d be getting a billion dollars for making Yasuke a protagonist in Shadows, but their check got lost in the mail, apparently. I think BlackRock is full of shit and they’re lying. Games are so expensive to make now, you know, like, we need this money. That check never came, so now we’re going to do that Business 101 thing and appeal to our primary demographic again. We could’ve replaced Yasuke with a new original Japanese man, but Fortnite makes an absolute killing with random movie crossovers, so what better character to add to our game than Nathan Algren from The Last Samurai? Great fucking movie. One last thing: Assassin’s Creed Shadows has a battle pass and you have to pay to save the game. The game won’t save unless you pay for save tokens. And there’s ads in the loading screens. Anybody know where I can get some cocaine around here?”
There you have it, folks. Straight from the horse’s mouth. Don’t you love what the video game industry has become?
Intellectual Always,
VEAG.
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