DETROIT, MI – Well…THAT happened.
So, I was walking home from Shrimpy’s Soy House earlier today and I passed my favorite field of plain, untouched grass in the middle of Detroit. Sometimes I like to lie there and think about the day’s adventures (I am unemployed) or let the bugs crawl all over me for a while. It helps cure my male loneliness because women typically look down when I attempt to make eye contact and animals enter their fight or flight response when I try to pet them. Anyway, I was walking across the field – the long and open field in the middle of Detroit, Michigan – when I saw something that looked a bit off. Something was squirming.
It was a fully grown man. It was Mr. Beast.
“Oh my god, Mr. Beast! My kids love you, dude! They watch you all the time in Special Ed class!”
“Leave me be,” said the beast.
In my shock I’d forgotten something incredibly important: Mr. Beast had no arms or legs. He was lying in the middle of the field, bleeding and squirming. Yet, he was smiling from ear to ear.
“Mister Beast…uh, what happened?!”
Beast stopped smiling and thought for a moment. He was going pale from blood loss.
“It isn’t incredibly important. I like things this way. Before, when I had arms and legs, I struggled with fame and fortune. I suffered from endless romantic options and all the attention and validation I could ever hope for. Women always held eye contact with me. Animals never entered their fight or flight response around me. As I said: it was suffering.
I suffer no longer. Now, I simply lie. Life is easier when your limbs have been removed by a chainsaw.”
Who removed his limbs? Why was he so at peace with this? I would never know. The beast with no arms and no legs died right there in the middle of a Detroit field. I sat down next to the body and let the bugs crawl all over us.
Intellectual Always,
VEAG.
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